Numb

Numb. 

I have lost the sensation and feeling for every part of my body. 

It felt like someone had pulled out all the emotions inside me. I was nothing but an empty shell; hurting from within yet unable to sense. It might not make sense. Unlike joy, it is difficult while trying to express your woes. 

I smiled, and I kept smiling. If you looked closely, you could see the tears swelled up in my eyes because I was a wreck. When I was a kid, I was told that women should always smile as they are the light of the house. I never understood why, but I got conditioned to hide my emotions. I did not want to concern others with my troubles, nor did I want to be laughed at for being weak. 

My tears were for me and only me to experience. I learnt to hide all my emotions except the contagious expression of everlasting happiness. Grief was my silent neighbour, and I hid it so well. “How is she always happy? She is so fake!” Too happy that everyone thought I was putting up a front like my life was an Instagram feed. 

Happiness is a scary thing especially when you start believing it is true. I often wonder who I am and how to be more honest about my feelings. Every time I wish to express myself, my brain goes into overdrive, and I contemplate if it is okay to say this. I would rather keep it hidden till I forget about it after a good cry and deep sleep. 

The worst thing anyone can say is that they are used to the sadness. But until the day I’m comfortable to share what I truly feel, I shall continue to smile like everything is alright.